Published October 7, 2008
Anya fidgeted anxiously in her seat as the Headmistress climbed up the steps to the podium. She secretly thought she had never seen an uglier woman. She was fat and had multiple chins, and to make matters worse, she wore a short dress that revealed most of her legs. They were enclosed in fishnet panty hose, which didn't look very attractive either. Her face looked clownish, it was so smothered in makeup. Her cheeks were as red as over-ripe apples, and the area around her eyes was covered in garish blue powder. A mass of extremely curly red hair was piled on top os her head. She parted her bright pink lips and gave her audience a sickeningly sweet smile, displaying perfectly even teeth bleached a brilliant white. Anya winced. Behind her, she heard Jet mutter, "What a lovely principal you have, dollface."
Anya turned to look at him. "Isn't she charming?"
"She kinda makes my eyes hurt," said Jet, smiling grimly.
Lowering her voice, Anya asked, "When do we make our escape?"
Jet grinned. "Well, I've made a lot of escapes in my sixteen years; and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that the more dramatic you make it, the better." He glanced around to make sure no one was listening, then whispered, "We'll cut out of here right after she orders the guards to grab you."
"What if I'm not fast enough?" asked Anya. She liked the idea of making a dramatic escape but wasn't sure if she could pull it off.
Jet flicked his blond hair to the side. "Then I'll just have to beat them up."
"You think you can take on all of them?" asked Anya dubiously. There were six guards in all, three men and three women; all of them young and strong-looking. They wore tight-fitting black leather suits, and each of them carried a laser pistol on their right hip and a sword on their left.
"Those guys?" Jet smirked. "I've tangled with people a lot bigger than them in my day." He ruffled her hair. "Don't you worry, kiddo. Just follow my lead."
Anya glared at him and hurriedly smoothed down her auburn locks. The Headmistress, having finished arranging the papers in front of her, began speaking.
"Ladies and gentlemen," she said in a honey-dripped voice, "you have been called here today so that we may inform you of a matter which is of the utmost importance to the well-being of your daughters who are enrolled here at the Silver City Academy for Girls." She smiled ingratiatingly. "As you all know, here at the Academy we believe that it is our responsibility to train young ladies to be good wives and mothers and produce many children to further the population of our great Empire--"
Anya grimaced and felt her ears and cheeks grow warm. She heard Jet snicker and fervently thanked her stars that he could only see the back of her head.
"--or to serve Her Most Excellent Majesty, Queen Morwenna VIII, as civil servants or officers in her military, if so they choose."
Anya barely suppressed a snort. The word choose was not in Queen Morwenna's vocabulary. People were assigned jobs whether they liked them or not.
"It is therefore also our responsibility," the Headmistress continued, "to suppress rebellion and insubordination in our school and gently chastise those responsible."
Finally she's getting to the point, Anya thought. She glanced back at Jet, and he nodded reassuringly.
"A certain young lady has been encouraging the aforesaid abominable acts of rebellion and insubordination, causing unrest and discontent among the students of the Academy, and poisoning the innocent minds of these impressionable young children."
A small girl in the audience stuck out her little pink tongue defiantly at the Headmistress.
She continued speaking, but her tone was somewhat less sweet now. "It has always been our policy here at the Academy to deal swiftly and precisely with young rebels such as her. We cannot tolerate insurgence in our school, so though it pains us to do so--"
Yeah, right, Anya thought. You love every minute of it.
"--we are going to have this particular young lady . . . relocated."
A shudder rippled through the younger listeners in the auditorium. No one except Jet and Anya knew for sure what "relocated" meant, but rumors about the fate of "relocated" girls were as varied as the people who started them. Everything from a simple visit to the Headmistress's office to execution was suspected.
"Guards," said the Headmistress in a cold voice that was completely different from the sugary one she had started out with, "apprehend Anya Brightsphere."
To be continued . . . [i]
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Hey there Warrior Princess! Welcome to YWS! I'm Stella, and I shall critique you today...
So...
I. NITPICKS
We don't use the word panty hose here, so I honestly don't know how to spell it, but I'm not sure if this is right. You might want to check it.
of her head.
Ingratiatingly sounds horribly awkward. Perhaps "She gave an ingratiating smile"?
II. WHERE ARE THEY?
Your description of the Headmistress was lovely. Okay, not lovely, pretty ugly, but really good. So why don't you use it to describe the hall. Whereabouts are they? A big auditorium? What does it look like? What other people are there? Show us their surroundings, get us into their heads.
Also, perhaps they're receiving disapproving looks from other members of the audience? Think about it. Don't isolate your characters.
III. OVERALL
I'm sorry I don't have more specifics to talk about. Overall, I really enjoyed it. It was interesting. Someone said it reminded them of a book, well, it reminds me of The Declaration by Gemma Malley (of which I just bought the sequel!) So if there are two books and probably more that it's similar to, then you're doing well
So I'm sorry I couldn't give you more advice, but I really enjoyed it
Hope I helped and PM me if you have any questions!
-Stella.
Really, it is a good start. The only problem (which can easily be corrected) is the descriptions. Just add a couple more.
I have read the whole chapter of this that you gave me, and it was great! It has good action, and nice, strong character personalities. Great descriptions of each individual through narration and actions.
Fabulous!!! I loved it! You used excellent word choice and I can clearly picture all of your characters. The only thing was a few typos here and there, but other than that, you really nailed it! The queen was only mentioned twice and I can tell what kind of person she is. Lots of good details really make a difference, and you proved it! Great work, very very good. ^^
*: I knew what you meant here but try not to use both of those she's. The first time the 'she' refers to Anya (I love that name by the way
**: Great descriptive words!
Other notes on the paragraph: This paragraph has a lot going on. I would recommend breaking it down into a few different paragraphs. After '...she had never seen an uglier woman.' I would recommend starting a new paragraph for the lengthy description, and then once Anya comes back into the picture 'Anya winced' I would start a new paragraph too.
Now would be a good time to describe Jet.
oooo! great way to end it
Overall, I thought it was good. You have a great vocabulary but at times it can be slightly overpowering.
The characters are good. At this point I would say the strongest is the headmistress and the weakest is Jet, but I'm sure that will change.
The plot is intriguing and it makes me want to read more. However, I don't know if you've read this book or not but it slightly reminds me of After by Francine Prose. Not much, just a teeny tiny bit.
Keep up the good work, let me know when you update!
You mean 'of' not 'os'.
You said black twice.
You should come up with a better name than 'laser pistol.' It seems so boring and unimaginative.
Other than those few things, this was very interesting and fun to read. I really enjoyed it. You had good descriptions, great dialogue, and characters that stood out to me. Keep it up.
*: I knew what you meant here but try not to use both of those she's. The first time the 'she' refers to Anya (I love that name by the way
**: Great descriptive words!
Other notes on the paragraph: This paragraph has a lot going on. I would recommend breaking it down into a few different paragraphs. After '...she had never seen an uglier woman.' I would recommend starting a new paragraph for the lengthy description, and then once Anya comes back into the picture 'Anya winced' I would start a new paragraph too.
Now would be a good time to describe Jet.
Lowering her voice, Anya asked, "When do we make our escape?"
Jet grinned. "Well, I've made a lot of escapes in my sixteen years; and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that the more dramatic you make it, the better." He glanced around to make sure no one was listening, then whispered, "We'll cut out of here right after she orders the guards to grab you."
"What if I'm not fast enough?" asked Anya. She liked the idea of making a dramatic escape but wasn't sure if she could pull it off.
Jet flicked his blond hair to the side. "Then I'll just have to beat them up."
"You think you can take on all of them?" asked Anya dubiously. There were six guards in all, three men and three women; all of them young and strong-looking. They wore black tight-fitting black leather suits, and each of them carried a laser pistol on their right hip and a sword on their left.
"Those guys?" Jet smirked. "I've tangled with people a lot bigger than them in my day." He ruffled her hair. "Don't you worry, kiddo. Just follow my lead."
Anya glared at him and hurriedly smoothed down her auburn locks. The Headmistress, having finished arranging the papers in front of her, began speaking.
"Ladies and gentlemen," she said in a honey-dripped voice, "you have been called here today so that we may inform you of a matter which is of the utmost importance to the well-being of your daughters who are enrolled here at the Silver City Academy for Girls." She smiled ingratiatingly. "As you all know, here at the Academy we believe that it is our responsibility to train young ladies to be good wives and mothers and produce many children to further the population of our great Empire--"
Anya grimaced and felt her ears and cheeks grow warm. She heard Jet snicker and fervently thanked her stars that he could only see the back of her head.
"--or to serve Her Most Excellent Majesty, Queen Morwenna VIII, as civil servants or officers in her military, if so they choose."
Anya barely suppressed a snort. The word choose was not in Queen Morwenna's vocabulary. People were assigned jobs whether they liked them or not.
"It is therefore also our responsibility," the Headmistress continued, "to suppress rebellion and insubordination in our school and gently chastise those responsible."
Finally she's getting to the point, Anya thought. She glanced back at Jet, and he nodded reassuringly.
"A certain young lady has been encouraging the aforesaid abominable acts of rebellion and insubordination, causing unrest and discontent among the students of the Academy, and poisoning the innocent minds of these impressionable young children."
A small girl in the audience stuck out her little pink tongue defiantly at the Headmistress.
She continued speaking, but her tone was somewhat less sweet now. "It has always been our policy here at the Academy to deal swiftly and precisely with young rebels such as her. We cannot tolerate insurgence in our school, so though it pains us to do so--"
Yeah, right, Anya thought. You love every minute of it.
"--we are going to have this particular young lady . . . relocated."
A shudder rippled through the younger listeners in the auditorium. No one except Jet and Anya knew for sure what "relocated" meant, but rumors about the fate of "relocated" girls were as varied as the people who started them. Everything from a simple visit to the Headmistress's office to execution was suspected.
"Guards," said the Headmistress in a cold voice that was completely different from the sugary one she had started out with, "apprehend Anya Brightsphere."
To be continued . . . [i][/quote]
I liked how quickly I was able to get to know your characters in such a short piece, particularly the headmistress and Jet. I can imagine them pretty clearly. I have to say that I'd really enjoy reading more of this.
Just one typo:
I think you mean "fidgeted."
Also, in the first paragraph you tend to start off most of your sentences with "she" or "her." You might want to try changing a couple of them.
WHAT why did you just stop it there i was getting into it
But i LOVE IT
